Today I’ve crashed. I’ve got some kind of infection in me and I nearly collapsed this morning, which means I have to force rest on myself. This is bad for me as I’m left with my thoughts all day. I try and distract myself as much as possible playing games but there’s only so much I can fight it.
I feel like I’m drowning. So utterly overwhelmed. How on Earth am I going to plan this recovery if I can’t even think of what steps I can do. I sit and try to think in the deafening noise that seems to surround me. There can be total silence in my house yet it feels to me like all the inanimate objects in the room are screaming at me.
The house suffers from the side effect of a lot of people’s depression. It’s cluttered, untidy and in my opinion horrible – although that’s more the fact that I rent a total mess in the first place. So often I’ve tried to creaet a calm space for myself but it either lasts 5 seconds or I never get there at all, usually the latter. My therapist told me years ago in regard to clutter that as I grew up in a hoarded house I’ve developed an amazing coping strategy of blocking it all out and with my depression I really have to force myself to be motivated to stay on top of it. Hard work when simple tasks like sorting through a few letters leaves you totally exhausted.
I hate being forced to rest. It means that I have little distraction and I’m stuck in “noise”. It has however made me decide firmly that my first active step is to sort out things around the home. How can I possibly rest properly and have a calm mind if my surroundings are chaos? My mind needs to be clear if I’m going to undertake a journey to recovery, I have to be able to breathe.
How I’m going to do this is another story. I’m unwell and struggling as it is, so this is going to be an extremely slow process.
I’ve also been trying to force some mindfulness on myself, something that I used to be able to do so easily. I’m a great believer in things like meditation and it used to help me so much. Unfortunately you need motivation to stop and meditate and I have none what so ever. It’s quite something to say that I can’t even be arsed to sit down and meditate, it would be funny if it wasn’t so upsetting. If I can at least get to the point where I’m able to do that, I think the rest of this process will be a little easier.
I’m petrified of not being able to do any of this and my horrid self doubt and feelings of worthlessness keep asking me ‘what’s the point?’. Can I really pull myself through this? Can I really have a better mind? I know I can’t do this for myself so I must remember who I’m doing this for.