I’ll start this with day 1.5, written at 9pm on day 1.

I was not prepared for the panic attack that hitting “post” would cause.

I thought I would feel free, like a massive weight had been lifted and I would be lost in the nervous excitement of my journey starting. How wrong I was. Instead I spiralled quickly into a panic attack so bad I had to knock back medication to try and calm down, not before I had thrown up twice and nearly fainted though. I somehow managed the school run and then forced shit food into myself to try and distract my mind. A technique that has come to bite me on the backside, and by bite it I mean add a couple of stone to it.

(I even then stress ate an entire Lindt bunny because I was failing miserably at a game I was playing.)

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. It’s my monthly infusion day on the mainland so it’s never exactly a fun day. It’s so stressful and exhausting, plus I’ll have my mum tagging along as my partner is in the states for a couple of weeks. It’s a very awkward relationship I’m trying to work on to try and get some peace. I’m not prepared for the day at all so I’ve set myself up for a crap day already. I just hope I can get some sleep tonight.

I’m not that hopeful given my heart is still pounding from earlier today.

2.

This will be a short one thanks to a migraine. Today hasn’t been the best, I got all the way to the hospital to find out that I couldn’t have my infusion as my temperature was too high. Instead I went and spent money I didn’t have in Lush and buying enough school shirts to last Dyllan until next Christmas thanks to the John Lewis sale. At least that was a win. I do try and focus on little victories to keep me going. In 2014 I had this diary where every single day I wrote down what good things had happened however small they seemed, as “the more grateful you are the happier you are” or at least where it kind of worked for me once upon a time so I tried it again after having a breakdown. Sunny day? Of course that’s a good thing. Saw a dog? Hell yeah that’s a good thing. I only kept that up religiously until about April time and then completely stopped in the summer.

I sometimes think I should start doing this again.