It’s amazing how we bring out Oscar worthy performances when we have to pretend we’re ok.

Lately I’ve had to pull myself together as much as possible because of the school holidays. It’s been exhausting and so so hard but we’re now half way through the holidays and I think I’m doing ok.

When I have to do these kind of things, pull myself together enough to pretend for a while, I have to really close myself off from everyone and everything. It’s such hard work and takes so much out of me. Not good when I’m also recovering from a horrific relapse and then infection on top of steroids.

I’ve also had to pretend things aren’t so bad when it comes to my relapse and recovery. I’m not telling people how sick I am, when I need help etc – something not so new but this takes it to another level. I’m at the point now where I’m starting to get scared, sod going to a doctor though when they probably won’t be able to do anything about it.

This week has been difficult but ok. Holidays are hard work anyway when you’re on a very tight budget and the weather is crap. Dyllan knows I’m not well, I try and be open about it all to a point. I try and teach him about the importance of mental health etc, something that I think should be taught in schools from an early age. That being said, he doesn’t know how ‘not well’ I am, if he did he would go into his Mother Hen mode and try and look after me, which he already does with my MS and that’s more than one 9 year old should carry on their shoulders. He is the only thing keeping me here and the only thing that motivates me right now. It’s so hard to enjoy life around him though with the noise in my head no matter where we go, I try as hard as I can and sometimes it works which is so precious to me, even if it’s time spent at home.

Obviously the work on my head has paused while all of this is going on and it’s making me panic that my motivation for it will fade. We still have a week to go until the holidays are over and I need to keep going. I’m so desperate for the energy to do this, I could do with an IV of caffeine.